When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
