I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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