The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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