i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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