So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
