My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
