Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
