Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
