You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
