don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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