They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
