if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
