apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Floor bacon is actually really good
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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