she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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