He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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