I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Randomize
