I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
