hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
