Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
