And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
