Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
