Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
We need a shit load of segways right now
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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