my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
