something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
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could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
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We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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