so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You are the jesus of drinking
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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