he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
