I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
