my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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