The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
