just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
