and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
