I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
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