woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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