Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Randomize
