didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
