And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
