Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Randomize
