He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
