the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
