I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
