Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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