I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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