a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
