people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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