Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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