I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
