The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
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When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
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I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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