I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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