So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
