I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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