y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
