So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
