i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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