getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Randomize
