I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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